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Since I'm reading alot of feminist theory, I'm thinking about how women are hidden in plain view - they are hidden as individuals, they are hidden as 'people', and their forms of communication are also hidden. Men might say "secret" - not because we try to hide it - but because men have not learned/been taught the signs that women recognize. There are plenty of books and journal articles out there about the forms of communication used by an underclass. Yiddish, for example, uses many words from the German language, but twists the meanings, so that what a German would have heard and understood would be entirely different than what another Jew heard and understood.
As in most communication, most of the signs in hidden languages are non-verbal: its in the posture, the inflection, the particular pattern of how 'innocuous' words are placed together. Since this communication is not known/seen by men - it often is considered not to exist. "You're imagining it" is a response. "I haven't seen that" is another. Yet... it is real. And, impossible to "prove".
I've been in situations recently in two of my professional roles where women in positions of power/authority have been using that 'secret language' to abuse their power and authority for their (supposed) benefit. They disrespect, dismiss, and disempower the other women in their realm in order to please/impress/gain more power with the men who have greater power and authority in the situations. They do it for financial gain, they do it for ego gain, they do it to walk over those they see as weaker, they do it because they are so aware of their own weaknesses and vulnerabilities and have never found another way toward their own strength.
On the one hand, I feel kinda sorry for these women. Their desperation for acceptance from the outside, especially from men, rather than the inner knowing of their own self-worth is pitiable. On the other hand, I am not interested in standing by, quietly, when I see this kind of abuse going on. Speaking up, however, has its own dangers.
If these were younger women, I might take them in hand - judiciously model better behavior, have conversations about the effects of their own behavior. I've done it in the past. It's been effective. But, these women are peers - in terms of age-group anyway. I'm no longer interested in saving everyone I come into contact with - I give everyone a chance to show me that they have basic integrity and respect for others. I give them a second change - sometimes even a third. But after that - I'm done. And, quoting Joni Mitchell, I'm like a mama lion - and I have the desire to protect my territory when I'm able to do so.
When my open hand and open heart are met with veiled (and not so veiled) insults, when I see women abusing other, younger women, I'm not interested in teaching them better behavior. If they haven't learned through life experiences by now - they ain't gonna. Unless each individual is personally and deeply motivated to make changes in their own thought and behaviors - nothing that someone on the outside does is going to make a damn bit of difference.
I spent a good part of my adult life hiding. I know what its like. I know how hard it is to change. I know that changing is worth it. I know that I'm not interested any longer in hiding. My communication is open to the levels permitted in each situation. And if I can't say anything productive - I don't say anything at all. That, unnerving to others, is also a form of communication. It may be silent, but, it's not hidden.
(What did you see in the image above?
Pretty pebbles - or chocolate?
Something hard and dry - or something soft and sweet?)
