My Thesis is a Matzoh

I'm heading 'round the final curve, now, and into the homestretch of my thesis.

Some days I feel like the driver, encouraging my writing forward with a light touch, other days I'm holding on for dear life with the sulky careening from side to side, and less often I feel like the horse being driven forward by the limits of time, understanding, knowledge, skill.

In the next few hours I'll send out the already-written chapters to my committee. I think I have about 40 pages so far. Maybe that many more left to write. I was visiting yesterday with Chad - he's on my committee, the head of our department, a professor, but mostly I think of him as a friend. I told him that I hoped the committee would be the yeast in my thesis - helping me to increase the size in a nourishing way. He laughed and asked if I was offering an unleavened thesis. Yes! My thesis is a matzoh - it might be a little slim right now -flat, as Chad suggested. It might crumble and break easily - but if that was good enough for the ancient tribes of Israel to sustain them as they left Egypt for the desert, it will have to be good enough for me, right now, in this first draft.

I've had to come to terms and accept ... this will not be the best thesis I can write. It will, however, be the best thesis I can write under the circumstances; within the limits of time, skill, and understanding. Each semester, I've added a little bit here, a little bit there. Each conversation has aided me in integrating information and turning it into my personal treasure house of knowledge. Each class I teach has opened the door to increased proficiency in how I think, how I write, and what I know. For all of this, I'm grateful.

Do I feel pressured? Of course, this is comparable to giving birth. I'm not the first person to point out the similarity of the two labors. I feel excited and proud - as when I first learned to tie my shoes - look! I can do this! I feel sorrow - the success of my thesis also marks the final moments of my time in Butte. I've accomplished much, I've grown into my self in ways I had never anticipated, but I've also failed in the endeavor that was most dear to my heart.

Joy. Sorrow. Celebration. Loss. Each experience a tile in the mosaic of the flowering of Life. My life, your life, our lives.