What's It Worth?

So many questions - so little time.

I've been speaking with women recently who are experiencing a variety of mid-life changes. Some of the are self-chosen and others are imposed by other people and/or circumstances. As I look at the wide range of experiences, and listen closely, I hear one similar thread that ties them to one another. Worthiness. They are no longer sure what they are worth.

In this culture, there's quite a lot of pressure to prove your worth. I don't know what it's like for men - it seems to have something to do with pushing, shoving, and peeing to mark territory (mostly in a figurative sense, though I've seen them do it literally ... ). It seems to have something to do with who has the most toys, the most up-to-date toys, and those toys include 'stuff', money, women, and children. I've seen houses filled to the brim with 'stuff' so that it seems like a suit of armor rather than a home that could be filled with love, laughter, and companionship. Anyway.

Women are, to my dismay, catching up with the more patriarchal modes of determining their own self worth, but for the most part - we look at our worth as dependent upon our relationships and how we serve others. And so, when a woman in her late 40s loses a breast, her sense of self-worth can diminish because she is no longer an up-to-date toy for her male partner. When a woman in her 50s suddenly find herself single, she wonders what is her worth without a male partner in her life. When the children move out of the house and on with their lives, the women are most likely to wonder ... did I give enough? did I do enough?

Those of you who know me also know that I don't have a perfect body. I've struggled with health ... I'm a plump middle-aged woman who looks into the mirror and sees ... beauty, humor, intelligence, and compassion. I am satisfied. But its a struggle - there is pressure from all sides to think less of myself because there is more of myself than this culture prefers.


I've been single most of my adult life - am I less worthy because I'm not partnered in a culture that determines my value as partially dependent upon my (male) partner and my ability to 'keep' him. The lovers that I've taken from time to time have been good and decent men, each and every one of them. Life circumstances have conspired so that the relationships have not lasted.

My primary relationship for 18 years was with my daughter. I raised her alone and we worked to create a relationship that was based on love, trust and respect. And then,  she upped and left - moved to the other side of the state. And then, I upped and left - moved to the other side of the country. Did I give enough? Nope. Did I do enough? Nope. It's just not possible to give ... do ... be enough to fill another person. Am I less worthy because I didn't supply her with enough 'stuff' ... with trips around the country or around the world ... because I didn't supply her with daddy-mommy-brothers and sisters? No. I gave her the tools that I understand - and then I let go ... I trusted her, I valued her, and I watch her develop a life that is filled, like mine, with joy and with grief, with fear and with laughter.

So how do we determine our worth? What is is based on? Do we look in the mirror or do we wait for the reflections in the eyes of others? When I look up 'worth' I see that the first, third, and fourth definitions (out of four) are all about money, financial exchange, and wealth ... but the origin is all about honor. So how do we take this understanding of integral worth back?

It's work. It's a commitment to seeing our and being our own, personal concept of honor-able. It's a continual return to the source of your own self and finding way to express it ... for your own satisfaction. It's looking in the mirror and seeing the full truth ... the beauty and the flaws ... the abundance and the lack ... and determining that, all in all, it's good. Plenty good.

Note: I acknowledge fully that this is a very hetero point of view ... but I remind you that my writings come from my point of view, my experiences, and the people in my life. Would it be that my experiences and friends were more diverse, but that ain't happening anytime in the near future in Butte America.