Letting Go

Sometimes you just have to let go of that thread you've been clinging to ... desperately ... and ... let go. I think of trapeze artists...

... and the deep trust in yourself, in your skills, in the other artists that you must muster up ... time and again ... so that you are willing to let go because you trust that something ... a rope, a slender wooden bar, a firm hand ... will be there to help you along the way.

I've done this before--many times--and I'm sure that I will continue the cycle of wanting things to be a particular way, clinging to that desire, and then finally letting go of it. It's the particularity of how that seems to get in the way--not the desire itself. The desire is clean, sharp, clear.

So, I let go of my thesis. No! Don't misunderstand - I am entirely dedicated to the goal of completing a well-written, interesting, and useful thesis. I've let go of the how ... of the rigid schedule ... of the expectations of how this is going to happen.

I've let go of how I'm going to re-emerge into health. I've let go of how I'm going to figure out what comes next - after grad school - after Butte. I've let go.

I'm out there, soaring and falling at the same time. I fill my days with the tasks associated with the responsibilities that I've chosen. I fill my evenings with gentle walks ... with song, dance, and drums ... with the words of others that inspire me ... with writing that fulfills me. I fill my heart with friends ... I empty my mind of expectations and leave the door open for ...