The rabbi and the provacateaur

I've had a bit of a summer flu the past few days - not enough to really knock me off my feet - just enough to slow me down, muddle my thinking a bit, and keep me a bit more quiet and contained.

I've been thinking about being more quiet and contained anyway ... well, maybe not actually contained - maybe a bit more focused on refining / redefining where, how, and with who (whom?) I spend my time.

It's been a whirlwind of a year (and a bit more) since I settled myself into Butte. I've had the great joy of befriending many - some who've become integral to my life, and others who've fallen by the wayside. And, it seems that each week there are more who enter onto the stage of my life - bit players, leading men, supporting ladies - we play together for a time - and for that time - it's good. Some have left the stage too soon for me ... others have overstayed their welcome ... and on the whole, the stage is full and rich and interesting. My days are full from when I wake in the morning til I finally sleep at night, and most of it is fascinating to me - my work, my studies, my friends.

But ... I miss me. I miss the long hours rolling by when I can write and dream and walk and contemplate and simply be. I have images and poems in my mind that want to come out, stroll around, and find a place to live together. I have songs that want to be written, played, sung aloud. I feel the pull toward solitary spots where I can watch the river or the clouds flow by me and my mind can follow along.

I read an article in the NYTimes yesterday on six reasons to grow old. It's written by a 90-year old rabbi. Now, he's got 40 years on me - so there are things I agree with ... and things I don't (yet?). Gratitude and tranquility are both states of mind and being that I enter into more easily and freely than I have ever before. There is so much in my life to be grateful for - and - those moments of tranquility are what allow me to enter into the experiences of my life more freely and passionately.

He writes of the "cooling of passion" which I don't see as a benefit. I find that the older I get, the more passionate I feel about being engaged with the process of living ... of being awake and alive in the world. In this world.

In the Sunday book review I came across an article about "The Vindication of Love" where the author speaks about how failure can be more sumptuous than success ... where success is seen as drifting along in a dull, safe life and failure are those moments where we engage in the blaze of passion that may not last ... but those moments change us forever.

There is - I know - a balance between the rabbi and the provacateaur. Maybe that will be my summer journey.